Growing up, I thought “I want to be a lawyer, OF COURSE” (it kind of runs in my family… make Papa Sidney so proud). Then it was a psychologist. An art teacher or a dance instructor both sounded great. After graduating from KU with a journalism degree, what did I want to be when I ‘grow’ up?
The only thing that really comes to mind, is ‘rapper’. OK, how about artist…. that sounds a bit more professional.
Merely for the sake of shock value. Partially because what other than upmost respect does one have for a serious emcee, but mostly, I strive to be a hip hop doo whoop hot shot because I LOVE delivering a message. Sweetly. Sincerely. Shamelessly.
Messages, they come from everywhere if you read them right. From our bodies. Our peers. Our loved ones and our computer screens. TVs and tree’s leaves all leave impressions upon our (collective) psyche. Instincts rear their local heads and BAM. We already KNEW it all as children (at least that’s what we thought). Now when I think about how much we ACTUALLY do KNOW as a society… it’s unfathomable. Everyday, I feel like we as individuals and as a species are getting smarter. We MUST be getting smarter, I mean look at all the mistakes that have been made…. we’ve got to be learning from them, right?
Exhibit A: Unpacking in my new living quarters this evening, at 27 years of age, it finally occurred to me the most beneficial way of organizing my stuff…. I have all these little containers and where to put each item simply came to me in this awesome system of organization that I’ve never seemed to notice before. I felt genius. And at the same time astonished/embarrassed that it took me so dang long to discover what was just under my nose!
On a different note, every day I see some of the most creative, quirky and interesting interactions happening online. And it really does make me proud, as much as I am ashamed of all the negativity and hatred (like the Nazi rally this Saturday, who’s idea was THat one?) Evolution is taking place.
I am (generally) proud and excited to see us growing. Individually. Soundly. Loudly.
I took the evening off tonight, instead of going to Luxury Bump or the Riot Room ….and after organizing, I choose to light some candles. Turned down the lights…. Ran a bath and afterwards sat down on my bed indian style (is that politically in-correct?) and PRAYED. For Blake Ephrim. For myself. For family. It’s been a while.
And when you pray…. it get’s real real, folks. I used to not understand it, or appreciate it. Now I’m starting to see why people avoid it. Prayer…. essentially comes out as if one is talking to one’s self. A bit schitzo if you’re not sure what’s going on, but for real, I asked myself …. “Who am I grateful for, what needs help in this/my world, and what should I do about it, God?” There. I said it. The G word. OOFF. It almost gets stuck in my throat when I try and speak it aloud. For one, God’s name is nameless, and for two, I’m still not sure what exactly it is I’m buying in to.
BUT it doesn’t matter if God or Spaghetti monsters are listening to begin with… we’re missing the whole point. When I pray, I’M listening. And what was it that Ghandi like’s to say about being the change….
There is no hiding in prayer. You look yourself right in the eye and say hey, what the hell am I doing to be a part of the problem, and where does the solution lie? Politics? Religion? Imperialism? (Art of Course.)
So I’m here. PRESENT. 27 years old. Indian style in front of my Brookside ‘shrine’ (which consists of photos of my father, gma, great gma on my dad’s side, a coral from my ma, some quartz crystals, an arrowhead, two sea shells, some sweet grass for burning, a vase and porcelain glass slipper. Oh, and my teeth from when I was a baby in a little knitted jar… I mean where else do you keep something like that?).
I’ve created my sacred space. It’s time to look myself in the 3rd eye and ask the right questions… “What AM I doing with my life? Where AM I headed with my career? What IS IT that I WANT TO BE when I grow up DAMNIT??? ” The question is age old…. and not getting any easier.
DON’T SELL OUT, whatever that means.
“I WON’T.”
While hard to define what my future holds, even with the tarot in hand, I DO know…. that I want to help people. I want to sing. I want to laugh and dance and cry. I want to teach people how to love one another unconditionally. I want to help people work through life and death experiences. I want to hold you when you are broken and collect the pieces by your side. I want to grow a community. I know I want to use art and music and love to heal our wounds and create diverse understanding. I want to help those who want to know more about what I see, to live more spiritually. (W)holy. A Sonic Temple. I want to bring people together and create sacred space beneath the moonlight or by candlelight so that we may all truly see our own light and how brightly it might shine if we don’t fear the dark. I want to work towards a world where we all feed each other and take care of our brothers and sisters. I want to grow and serve organic GMO dinners for the whole world to nourish from.
“I AM truly blessed I know EXACTLY what I want to do with my life!”
And then the rationalist in me rebuttals, “How on earth do you get a degree in THAT?”
“Go to Rabbinical school,’ my Jewish mother suggests in her non-jewish tongue, “you’d be so goooood at teaching”. But would not that be limiting myself to ONE denomination…. putting on blinders is not an option either. I want to study it all. Every God. NO God. God as a verb.
So where do you even begin to gain credibility, let alone a paycheck, based on such the abstract concepts of love and peace and art. “It should be so easy”. God would know what to do.
Is Miley Cyrus the wrecking ball that God had in mind when he gave us free will? Is that as far as our evolution has taken us, publicly? Or maybe Miley really was just going for shock value….and I wonder if she got to be what she wanted to when she ‘grew up’.
I’ll suppose I shall wait my turn patiently…. continue reading the signs and hope I don’t miss my cue. Stage left. This is show business. And I truly am loving every minute of growing up.
