As I get ready to embark on this huge, mind-altering trip (wander-lust, not psychedelic) in the next week, I stand at the edge of 30-years old, looking back at what I’ve accomplished, and then forward at what I’ve yet to do. I can’t help but wonder… what is ENOUGH?
Four albums. A feature-length film. A documentary. Countless performances. Music videos. 3 Fringe Festival shows. A book (almost- #poppoetry12poetsin12months – January 2rd). Road trips. Festivals. Events. Rehearsals. Collaborations. People. Places. Forgetting names, but remember energies. I have and continue to do SO much, yet I still grapple with doing more.
In looking at this next big “mid-life crisis” around the corner, I admit to being pulled in multiple directions (as we all are). Literally, on the road, but also physically and emotionally, let alone mentally/rationaly/psychologically.
Do I go to law school, like my family would love? Or Rabbinical school, as my Jewish community would appreciate? Yoga teacher training? Naropa institute to study some sort of metaphysical psychology as my good friend has inspired. Or maybe to Hawaii, to work on a pineapple farm? And then there is Europe, calling my name…
Honestly I couldn’t be more lost, and I thought by now I would have more mindful ‘direction’. There is one thing that is obvious, and that is trust; trust in letting go of making the “right” decision and letting the right path unfold in front of me. Some might call my so-called-faith naive, but I find it endearing, and exciting. It quenches my thirst and alleviates anxiety. There are no WRONG answers. Just trial and error, and failure is a sure way to know it’s time to change paths. (Still an optimist at heart, guilty).
While I know I have not failed as an artist (there’s no such thing really…) I am looking at a glaring reality where sustainability is becoming increasingly more important.
So I’m turning left. First, as an artist, and then maybe even further. I am leaving Kansas City for a few months, to accomplish various tasks and jobs and performances. I will be back in December to help my grandfather write his memoir, amongst other projects lined up. Applying to law school is in there somewhere, assuming I do well enough on the LSAT. I am really not sold on ANYTHING at this point; anything other than love of course. Most of us would do just about anything for love.
So until love stops me in my tracks, I will keep moving forward, with ultimate perseverance, knowing that within every step I take lies a lesson. A missed conception, found. Every breath I take brings fresh air. And every chance I get, I’m going to jump as high and hard as I can into a free fall, only to be caught by my own wind. I am not scared. I am not committed. I am FREE. Maybe for the first time in my life, and that should not be taken for granted. Freedom is a precious gift, and I will cherish it, while I can.
<3,
MissConception
