THrōz/
noun-
intense or violent pain and struggle, especially accompanying birth, death, or great change.
It’s felt a lot like a heart infection, lately.
The last weeks have been filled with awe and horror. Just around every corner something different pulls at my heart strings. More and more I hear people asking for help… still even more, denying they need it. Confusion… sorrow… pain fills the air and tension swirls about. Two high school girls committed suicide last weekend in Olathe. An email came from a good friend telling me something she “thought I needed to know”, and it wasn’t pretty. I’ve become terrified of the cold weather. Life really feels like it keeps getting more and more difficult…hopeless… and the plot thickens. And the world turns. And here we are…
We’re in America for God’s sake! Still living in a world where marriage may or may not be sanctioned depending on what ground you stand. Where plants may or may not be legit. Where politicians know nothing about the people they are governing and somebody is always paying for someone else’s mistakes.
So much unhappiness. So much anger. So much confusion.
And yes there is still joy…. but why do we tend to remember the bad things more vividly?
You know that feeling when you started something…
and then somebody takes it away from you…
Loving somebody so much you suffocate them.
Having no voice.
Having a voice
And not being able to use it.
Having a voice and being misunderstood.
Watching the movie alone that you were supposed to watch together.
Watching the news
Alone
Feeling.
Alone.
In a Crowd. In a city. Full of people.
Being the butt of a joke
Everyone looking and laughing,
Even if it’s just inside your own head.
It still hurts. It’s still REAL.
It hurts like hell to love someone… it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do unconditionally.
I’ve found loneliness is the number one cause of emotional suffering. Despite our gadgets to keep us together, we’re all more isolated than ever. iThink it’s more comfortable to iTune everyone out. It’s never before crossed my mind that some problems can’t be fixed. Lately, the jaded truth tastes more bitter than I care to admit.
“If you move fast enough nobody will see your flaws”, so I tend to keep busy. Make plans. Schedule the calendar. Something to look forward to. Always looking ahead. Where is the next best thing? Nirvana is just on the horizon, now if I could just get over this hill… ok, maybe not quite so fast. The closer you get to the top, the farther the way down becomes.
Speaking of Nirvana, I’ve recently become fascinated by Kurt Cobain. Grasping widely for inspiration, I picked up a copy of his journal, and what a trip to be given a glimpse to someone’s mind such as this lead singer icon. Highly creative. Highly tortured.
Tis the portrait of the artist to paint the fortune of the heartless, and he painted it well. Without much reason other than it’s what has to be done. Ani Difranco says “Art is why we get up in the morning…but my definition ends there, you know it doesn’t seem fair that I’m living for something I can’t even define…and there you are right there in the meantime”.
Safe to say, Kurt Cobain and THIS SONG by Laydeefish have saved my life this week. Sometimes it’s about finding that one thing that speaks to you and holding on. When you get to the end of your rope, they say to tie a knot and cope… only to have to untangle it all again later. Is that what we do as humans? Create messy dramas for ourselves to clean up in order to keep occupied? Is this what we’ve come to? A roller coaster ride gone off the tracks… delving into the throes of ecstatic evolution one suicide at a time? Trapped inside our own minds.
Ozark Mountain Dare Devils say “To get to heaven, you have to raise a little hell”
Hell has been raised, and as we look towards our Nirvana… what IS it that we want? What environment do YOU want to live in? How much love do you want to embody? What is our narrative of self love? How much kindness can you show yourself? What is your life plan and how are you executing it?
Love,
MissConception
