We’ve all been there. Brokenhearted. Dumped. Or the dumpeè. Single. Looking around at these pools of fish asking ourselves… “Am I ready to take the plunge? Ready to jump back into “The Game” of all games. The love connection. Am I ready to be honest? To be vulnerable. To be possibly shattered? To give up my freedom. To give up my side of the bed. Am I ready to snuggle? To make plans. Ready to listen to him snore. Ready to learn more. Am I ready to go it not alone?”
A wise women I know said: “Focus instead on all the reasons it’s so great not having drama in your space. How nice it is to be able to spread out in your soft and cozy bed. How you don’t have to answer or perform for someone you want to get rid of. Enjoy each moment where ever you are. It’s about acceptance in what is. It’s the only way to find happiness and to find someone who also knows how to find their own happiness.” And I get that you HAVE to do you and love you and own you before you can love someone else, of course…. but I’m sorry I’m not sorry that I can’t help feeling like a kid in a candy store… and yes, I’m STARVING.
Really, I was ready to start dating before I even broke up with my last serious relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I was madly in love with Him. I thought he was THE ONE. I wanted “him” to propose and get married and have babies and all that jazz, and I would have done it in a heartbeat if it hadn’t gone so sour. I truly did forget what it was like to be treated like a woman, but even before his chemical-induced infidelity kicked in, we were introduced to the poly scene. Some of our friends were doing it. They had healthy relationships and seemed to enjoy the company of themselves and of others very much so. And it seemed… admirable. I for one have never had much time to juggle one relationship with the rest of my lifestyle, let alone multiple ones, so I/we never considered it. (I mean we were open to a three-some, but you can’t plan those, if they are to be done right. #factsstraight) Moving on….
“Dating is like test driving cars, you never know for sure if you really like one till you buy it”… – Drew And sometimes, you sell it.. or you’re just renting, or stay only for a few nights. That’s where dating is at for me right now. When I was in my past relationship I thought about what it would be like to be with the same person for the rest of my life, and while that idea was romantic, it was also a little constricting. And then, all of a sudden, I found myself single, like so many before me, and actually very ready to mingle. And mingle I have! I am 30-years-old and for the first time in my life I am actually DATING, and it’s incredible! I’m not sure if I just took it for granted in my past relationships (backstory: I was never really in a with-standing relationship at all until I was 23, and since then I’ve been in a handful of relationship back to back), so being single as a “woman” in 2015 is a very new thing and at 30, and I’m taking my freedom very seriously. What they don’t tell you in “The Horrors of Dating for Dummies” is that being taken to dinner, is FABULOUS! Better yet, asking a guy out is even MORE fabulous (yes, I have no shame… who has time to waste really?)
I’ve gone out maybe five times in the last week (I apologize if you are one of the men I am seeing and you are finding this out via my blog post)… that being said, I am truly blown away by the quality of gentlemen I have experienced over the last month. For the record, no I’m not a whore, no I’m not sleeping with ANYBODY at all, which is sort of an odd twist to this whole dating scheme… but that’s for another blog post. I’ve become fascinated with the art of dating! Putting yourself out there. Being vulnerable and awkward and the mysteries of not really knowing how it’s all going to end up breaths excitement into my life. Which got me to thinking of all the different types of relationships and ways people approach this phenomenon. So, I took a very un-quantitative poll on my Facebook feed over how people feel about dating, and the highest response I received was that people are truly avoiding dating. Hard. Largely because of past trama, or anticipation of future drama. Too many broken hearts. Some people have been single for 5 or 10 years and aren’t trying, which blows my mind. (I’ve always been a sucker for a crush) I truly believe we were put on this earth to experience the PHYSICAL. We can do the emotional or ethereal in our dreams, in the after life, in many forms… but physical touch and communication is a very precious and taken fore-granted past-time, which I refuse to give up. Just because you’re doing YOU doesn’t mean you still can’t explore what’s out there.Just to be clear, I’m not super wrapped up in the lucidity of being taken out and doted on, but rather the idea of falling in love, to me personally, is just SO intriguing and so invigorating, I’m with the opinion that WE all have to go for it, as soon as possible, as much as possible, as many as possible, with as much love as possible before it’s too late! That being said, the idea of being a polyamorist (yes I accidentally coined that term, for the sake and because of this blog) is becoming more and more appealing. When I posed my blog research question online, I didn’t intend to focus on polyamory, but the responses certainly wanted that! Everybody had something to say about it, good or bad, but mostly in defense of the lifestyle.
“I’ve been single for a while now. It’s working out pretty well. I think I might be the one.” – Jason Buck
I used to think being single was a curse. I was terrified that I would never find someone. But then I realized, it just means that you have OPTIONS! This time around, being single is liberating as fuck! Nobody to answer to. Nobody to check in with. And while yes, nobody to cuddle…. there’s also nobody’s mess to clean up. It is a give and a take. And it just makes that first real, good kiss that much more mind blowing.
Dating is also not without it’s liberatory advantages. It’s empowering. It’s daunting, but it’s rather rewarding. Just having coffee with someone, or going to the zoo for an afternoon can be so engaging and enlightening. You never know what you’re going to learn. You never know if you’re even going to see this person again, and you don’t have to know that. You don’t HAVE to make long term plans. But for just one afternoon, your souls can connect, and go to a place nobody else will ever know. And maybe it will last a lifetime. Maybe not.
“As my beloved Aunt Dorothy said after being dumped by Uncle Marv who found another young lover, ‘There is a lot to be said for friendship and adventure.'”- Greg Patterson
Thanks Greg. I get that dating can be depressing. But maybe, if we really did tune into our own needs and taking care of ourselves, dating could be as invigorating as it used to be, because we aren’t necessarily relying on the other person to make us happy… we’re just simply having dinner and learning about one another!
Devon Taylor said: “I used to be polyamorous only between monogamous relationships… aside from one terrible open relationship that was toxic from the start. That said, after doing a lot more self-study I’m identifying as poly in a sense that I’m trying to avoid strictly monogamous relationships altogether now.” Well there’s one way to go…. to each his own, and it sounds like quite a lifestyle.
I’ve personally always been a huge hopeful romantic. One day he will just appear, and everything else will fall away, right? But until then, I fully intend to take advantage of this newfound independence by dating as many people as I can. And I will wait patiently to get laid until there is some damn chemistry, because without chemistry, there are no second dates. Call it genetics. Call it polyamory. Call us ladies “whores” if you must to justify it, but only you know how open your own heart is, and good one’s intentions can be. Don’t knock it if you haven’t tried it. And please, for love’s sake, I’m not judging your relationships, try not to judge mine.
“Not really sure if I can put myself in one category. Loving myself is first and foremost. Every personal relationship is different and I’m still trying to figure it all out. Honesty about what you want out of any relationship is the best path to success” – Justin Torbol
Thank you all for your wisdom and patience. Conversation creates understanding, and it is only until we are willing to talk openly with our hearts out on the table, that we will truly begin to grow as a society in the tide of love and peace.
MissConception
